The Pain and the Suffering Dissolve into Nothing
Dear Sheela Nagig,
After the last phone call where you insisted that you are on my side and want to help me in court, I realized some aspects of our relationship which have been sleeping for a long time… since the time when we packed up the bus and left O.C.D. I did not share with you the decision to leave. You were happy to stay and keep going. You went along with the departure probably hoping that we would return to O.C.D and be able to pick up things later. Our communication deteriorated after we left and has never recovered until these recent dilemmas that have pushed both of us into the penal system; a giant wake up call from the Dharmapalas.
When I listen to you speak to me and you go in cycles or loops of recurring themes, the effect is quite painful and energy draining. You want to help me but are out of practice. Most of the communication has to do with my failings and your being the arbiter of what’s important and what’s wrong. The discovery process is constrained and fundamentally biased. This is probably my influence on you in the past and ingrained anger brought out by a constant use of drink. You were always a problem when intoxicated and you got away with it because you use it like a weapon. Or at least that seems to be the unsubtle use of what you consider to be Troma’s ego scalpel.
Not laced with joyful bliss because of the fruit of its liberating power. It’s more like a Catholic inquisitional punishment. Now that you have finally met a judge who is immune, you have to eat it for the first time in a long time. Good work having dodged the bullet for so long, but karma speaks loudest.
Anyway to get back to the decision to leave O.C.D., I did not want to be a janitor again for the family which was our demotion for having hosted Chagdud Tulku with the Dudjom wangs. I did not want to be a Dudjom Dharma refugee in another lama’s court. I noticed that you were getting frisky at O.C.D. with other students as our sex life was “dead”. I was afraid that if you started drinking a lot and partying at the center, that my promise to Dudjom Rinpoche would be breached and the 12 years of putting up with the whole barnyard of wannabe yogis would collapse.Shenphen Rinpoche would sell the place and end up back in Europe where he would be poisoned and put out of his misery. Something the Sangyum and His Holiness were concerned about in wanting us to keep the project of Orgyen Cho Dzong alive; no matter what. As it was, he almost died of a stroke when we left.
So I pulled rank on you and we drove into the abyss with no real plans other than going west and maybe settling in Belize.
I realize that your having to put up with my family in Canada ended any hope you had for continuing the marriage. But I was still concerned for seeing Shenphen Rinpoche solidify his American reality so I hung on to you to sustain the legacy of the work we did together in New York. I have been doing that up until now.
There is on the internet, a Youtube that shows at Orgyen Cho Dzong, the Nyingma American Sangha with Shenphen Rinpoche, a Dudjom tulku and a lot of other Nyingma lamas doing Dharmapala practice in September of last year, a month after I was arrested and jailed. This is the link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FCvyzWRcx74
Shenphen Rinpoche is in the middle of these young 30’s something tulkus and it looks good, like they have to take the place seriously and that future events should be forthcoming.
Anyway, as far as I am concerned we can go to hell now and it won’t stop what’s started at O.C.D. Enough karma has accumulated for establishing Yarlung Dynasty roots on American soil. I will do my best not to go to hell but if I do it will be as a Bodhisattva rather than a poisonous heretic.
So if you are on my side and want to help, we better learn to respect each other in a skillful way. We can do it and it is part of turning a new page to a Tersar treasure. We have inherited opportunity and treasure from His Holiness and his lineage; and although you did not meet him physically, you have ensured that authentic Dharma can flower in North America.
It takes a nasty sort to do the dirty work and we had to get out of the way for more karmically endowed disciples. We are tough and we can rise up to reap the positive and unique benefits as they manifest. I look forward to that, as I wrestle with my own flood of chaos that seeks to be stilled by compassion, Buddha compassion.
In the Dharma